My Motherhood Journey: Navigating Neuroticism

The Silence Before My Storm.

The house is quiet now, a rare moment of peace that feels almost alien to me these days.

It’s in these fleeting instances of silence however, that my thoughts begin to race, a relentless marathon with no finish line in sight.

As a new mother, I thought I’d be basking in the glow of motherhood, but instead, I find myself grappling with a whirlwind of emotions that I can’t seem to navigate.

Cries that Lead to Anxiety

Every single time my little one cries, it’s like an alarm bell goes off in my heart.

I’ve always prided myself on my ability to manage stress, to thrive under pressure as a high achiever.

Yet, now, the sound of her distress triggers a panic within me that I’ve never known before.

I’m freaking out at every whimper.

Turns out, hearing my baby cry can feel like the world is ending, or at least that’s what my brain seems to think.

Down the Rabbit Hole of the Internet

In true me fashion, I turned to ‘Dr. Google’, trying to make sense of why I’m feeling all the feels so intensely. That’s when I stumbled across this thing called neuroticism.

Sounds pretty clinical, but honestly?

It’s a label that encompasses so much of what I’m experiencing: the persistent worry, the emotional instability, the self-doubt that gnaws at me even in my strongest moments.

Feeling all over the place emotionally.

Neuroticism is a label that encompasses so much of what I’m experiencing: the persistent worry, the emotional instability, the self-doubt that gnaws at me even in my strongest moments.

Life Before Motherhood

Remember spontaneity? Yeah, me neither.

My pre-baby life was full of impromptu adventures and conquering challenges on a whim.

I reveled in the unexpected, in the thrill of conquering new challenges. I miss those days of carefree spontaneity, but now, my adventures mainly involve trying to work out what each of her cries means.

The Guilt Trip

Oh, the guilt. It’s relentless. I feel guilty for missing my old life, for not soaking up every moment with my baby girl, for even feeling tired.

It’s a burden I carry silently, too afraid to voice these complex emotions for fear of judgment, of being deemed unworthy of this beautiful role I’ve been given.

I’m already carrying the torch of unworthiness, I don’t need this validated by others.

There’s a Glimmer though

But it’s not all doom and gloom.

There are these magic moments where everything feels right in the world. Like when she smiles, and suddenly, none of the worries matter.

It’s those split seconds that remind me that maybe I can work this out. That I can conquer this.

I wouldn’t have searched the symptoms to understand me better if it wasn’t for her.

It says to me that I am doing my best to be a good mother.

Becoming ‘Me’ Again

Writing this down, I’m slowly starting to see that maybe this journey is about finding a new version of me.

A woman who is both strong and vulnerable, who loves fiercely even when she’s afraid.

It’s not about getting back to who I was before but evolving into who I’m meant to be now.

I’m learning to navigate this new me, to accept that the feelings of sadness and anxiety are as much a part of this experience as the moments of joy and love.

I will fall now and again but I can do my bit to understand who I am, and not what I should be, to be the best mother I can be for my baby.

Neuroticism and all.

Hopes For My Little One

I hope that one day, I can share this journey with my daughter.

That I can teach her the value of vulnerability, of asking for help when the weight of the world feels too heavy to bear.

I want her to know that strength is found not in the absence of fear, but in the courage to face it head on.

What’s your Motherhood Story?

If you’re reading this and nodding along, know you’re not alone.

Let’s try to make sense of this beautiful, messy journey called motherhood, together.

Let’s promise to support each other, share our stories, and embrace the beautiful chaos together.

Author picture

Hi! I'm Virginia.
I'm a new mum like you wanting to change the way we see our motherhood journey, the good, crazy and the darn right terrible without judgment or criticism.

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